My mom asked me the other day if I was happy, and much to her dismay at least I initially answered “no, I’m not happy”. I quelled her initial concern when I followed that by saying, “I’m not sad, angry or despondent either. I told her I feel peaceful and content. I feel balanced. I don’t find myself looking forward anymore, but at the same time I don’t find myself dreading what’s coming. I definitely don’t like my behavior on many occasions in the past, yet I’m not regretful. I’m finding much pleasure in my life in so many places and in so many ways, yet I also find my life can be very challenging and difficult and I find my mind more equanimous through it all. I’m less reactive and I’m vacillating from highs and lows less and less. Not everything is hunky dory, yet I’m contented. I could use more money, which has been an issue post-pandemic, and my daughter’s debilitating health issue is of great concern and occupies much time and money that I don’t have, and my incessant lower back issues have been a side theme (sometimes the main theme) of my life for the past 33 years. These are some of my main issues in this moment.
Yet I’m good! I’m not in a state of stress or worry or intensely craving anything more than what I have. I feel more pliable and much less rigid than in years past. It’s so weird to not get exhilarated or excited about pretty much anything anymore and similarly, I don’t panic or worry so much anymore. It’s as though I’ve transitioned into this state of equanimity where I can enjoy things without getting excited, and I cannot enjoy things without getting overly stressed. Initially, as my mentality shifted towards equanimity, I felt like there was something wrong or missing. I felt bored and even concerned about the excitement in my life fading. Kinda like I was addicted to the highs and lows and the withdrawal symptoms were uncomfortable. Yet as the months and years roll on and there’s more distance between myself and the highs and lows, emotional crashes, the pain of things not working out and the clinging and attachments to things working out, I can see how stressful my mentality was. Not coincidentally, in the past few years I’ve never felt more metabolically healthy and we now know the relationship between stress and dis-ease. I can see how my satisfaction and self-worth were attached to outer things instead of coming from somewhere inside.
So, what happened? How did I get here? Could this be part of the aging process? After all, I just turned 60!!! It seems to be true that age and wisdom are connected (not always) and many of my retired neighbors seem to be financially stable, more relaxed and settled. Yet within our intimate conversations, the craving and desire, worry and attachments seem to have just transitioned to other things like aging itself. Age has definitely helped my physical exercises as I have hurt myself so many times, I finally have figured out gentleness (moderation)! Even though it’s been right in front of me my whole life. It finally took a greater desire to feel good than to “look good” to overcome society’s emphasis on beauty and prowess as opposed to balance and wellness and I couldn’t have both. I can’t conform to society’s ideals and respect my uniqueness simultaneously!
I give credit to my yoga practices. Specifically, meditation. Meditation has helped me disempower a malevolent mentality and strengthen a benevolent mentality. It’s as simple as that. I have been involved with yoga practice for so long, like 46 years, why has this peace of mind taken so long to take root? The answer is that for most of those years I didn’t have a dedicated/consistent meditation practice. I dabbled but the key is daily consistent practice. Same as what one needs to build any muscle. You can tone a muscle but if you don’t continue it will go flaccid. Its regularity that’s key.
It’s so strange that I have more challenges than ever before, yet I’m calmer and more contented than ever before. I credit meditation, it’s really been the master key!
sincerley, bryan